September

Bombom was admitted to the hospital last Friday due to an asthma attack. Let me just say that I have never had a pleasant experience with hospital service.

We were supposed to bring him to MCI because they already have his record but since their service sucked big time, we decided to take him to SDMC.

Unpleasant experiences detailed below:

-staff not having the common courtesy of knocking before entering the room

-staff not informing us of what they were doing to Bombom and what they were injecting into his bloodstream (which is so against Nursing Ethics)

-staff not informing me that the IV fell, causing Bombom's blood to flow into the tube (which is a big no-no), causing the butterfly needle to be blocked by a blood clot, causing Bombom to be wheeled back into the E.R., causing the stupid nurse to force a new needle into his vein (which obviously is not working since she was unable to insert the needle in the vein which caused instant maga to my son's hand), causing another needle to be inserted to the (thank God) correct vein.

I just cannot understand why the stupid nurse was insisting on inserting the needle on a vein which was not at all visible when all of us in the E.R. can see another vein which was very visible!

Beb was not with me during this time. He's somewhere in Cabuyao on duty. Which totally sucks! We won't be together on the 4th (our third anniversary and most probably our last anniversary together before I leave for the States) and on the 2nd (Bombom's fifth birthday). We were also not together last September 21 (Beb's birthday). Aaargh!

I miss my husband sooo much! Come home na Beb...

Perverts

I just knew that three years of not being assaulted by men who have nothing better to do than display their manoys in public was too good to last.

My senses and my femininity have been insulted by these perverts:

Manong Hi-Ace

I have just gotten my Chinese visa from the Chinese Embassy (where else?) in Malate. I stopped in front of a bank (it's dangerous to go walking while mumbling to oneself) and started planning on which route to take to get to the FX terminal in Lawton.

This white (or grey, I can't really remember) van stopped in front of me and the passenger side window rolled down.

Surprise, surprise! Manong Hi-Ace was jacking off! All I could think of was, "Is that really it? Seriously?!"

So I started walking in the opposite direction because I was appalled that someone would have the nerve to be an exhibitionist when he doesn't even have a respectably sized manoy.

Manong Hi-Ace couldn't follow me because he was on a one-way street. I don't think he wanted to anyway. Napahiya na yon.

Newspaper Boy

I was on my way to UST on a jeepney headed for Dapitan. Newspaper Boy got on the jeepney near Central. He sat near me and was holding a newspaper in front of him.

Surprise, surprise! He was jacking off while using the newspaper as cover from the other people in the jeepney. I panicked! Pano kung matalsikan nya ko?! Yaaak! I ended up walking a block to get to school.

Manong Taxi

I went to Santa Mesa to finish a shoot for my TV Production class. It was really late by the time we packed-up and we wanted to ride a taxi so we can get home faster.

This taxi was parked along the street seemingly waiting for passengers so I opened the back door and asked Manong Taxi if he could drive us to Cavite. Manong Taxi (who was in the backseat) faced me and zipped open his fly.

Surprise, surprise! He started jacking off. Actually, it was pretty hard to tell whether he was jacking off or scratching his belly because he was so fat. I opted to ride a jeepney and a bus instead.

And for 2004, may I present to you...

Manong Bus

I was on a bus headed for Baclaran from Ayala. By the time that we were at Pier One-Roxas Boulevard, only a handful of people were left. I happened to be luckily stuck near the back of the bus. I had no intention of moving from my seat while the bus was swerving and risk being injured so I stayed where I was.

Manong Bus was on the three-seater part of the bus and he was sitting one row behind me (I was seating on the two-seater part). I noticed his hand moving in rapid succession and I thought, "Ohmygawd...not again!"

Manong Bus did not seem satisfied by my reaction (which was complete and utter deadma) so he decided to move one seat up and he was now sitting directly opposite me. As if! So I decided to risk injury rather than let myself be entertained by a swine.

I have observed that:

-men who are exhibitionists often have unimpressive manoys
-a woman's peripheral vision is impressive
-women don't have to wear or do anything sexy for perverts to use them as motivation

Tell me, is it me or is this a normal, everyday thing? Scary.

Patience my face!

It sucks big time when you want something real bad and you shut your eyes tight and focus your mental and spiritual energy to connect with The Big Guy Up There for every night since you started wanting that something and you still haven't got what you want.

Parang cellphone:

"The subscriber cannot be reached"/"Out of coverage area"
Busy si Lord sa ibang mas importanteng bagay o ayaw niya nang makinig sa mga dasal ko dahil nakukulitan na siya sa akin.

"Message sending failed"
Kulang siguro sa concentration o sa pagpapanggap na ang hinihingi ko ay para sa ikabubuti ng human race.

"Check operator services"
Hindi ako malakas kay Lord kaya kailangan magpakabait muna ako. Nahalata na nya siguro na ang mga pangako ko na magpapakabait ay void pag nakuha ko na ang gusto ko.

I don't know if it has something to do with being OC or bratty but when I want something, I want to have it right away. I can't just sit and wait without doing everything in my power to have what I want.

Some say that The Big Guy Up There has a plan for me and that I will be given things in due time. But this brings us to my (still) unanswered questions: If The Big Guy has a plan for me, why do I need to make choices everyday? Am I really using free will? If I was given free will, how can The Big Guy have a plan for me? Does he change his plans based on whatever decisions I have made? Or does The Big Guy have a plan for how my story ends so any decisions I've made leading up to the ending doesn't matter anyway?

Whatever. I tried asking The Big Guy to give me patience. Big mistake. Syempre, he won't give it to me so I can learn to be patient. I should've asked for him to help me understand and accept that some things take time before I can have them.

I should've just asked him to give me what I want so I would stop pestering him. But hey, that's the brat in me speaking. My goddess self knows better.

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

Dreams and red nail polish

I had a dream several days ago about myself and a faceless guy. I can no longer recall the details of the dream but here's what I vaguely remember about it:

I was cuddling with some guy. He's not really faceless but I haven't seen anyone having that face before and in my dream, it felt like the guy was Beb though he did not even slightly resemble Beb. He was so maasikaso and thoughtful and sweet. I felt sooo happy and contented.

That is all I can remember. I know it's not a very satisfying account of my dream and I would love to make stuff up just to make things more exciting but I'm not in one of my creative moods today and I'd rather expound on the fact that I felt very uneasy about what I dreamt about.

I'm not a shrink and I do not have powers of divination to be able to interpret my dream but I think this might have something to do about how I wanted things to be between Beb and me.
Don't get me wrong...he's okay (for lack of a better adjective) but I just wish he would try to do little things for me. Like text me once a day (at least) just to tell me that he's thinking of me.

The self-analysis needs to be put in another entry.

It has always been said that dreams are outlets of what you secretly desire. Well, I desire a lot of things and I've never been much of a dreamer (i.e., a person who dreams a lot during sleep).

Joy, my best friend, always has the most outrageous dreams.

One of my favorites is the yellow-car-door-turned-shoulder-bag dream. Joy was riding in her ex-boyfriend's car (which was painted yellow) and I'm not really sure what happened but she suddenly grabbed the car door and carried it on her shoulder like a shoulder bag. It is sooo funny!

It's really amazing how Joy can remember even the smallest details of her dreams. I can't. Even if I just had the most erotic dream ever! But then again, she wasn't given two doses of anesthesia.

Why can't I have dreams like that?! Is it because I'm a pessimistic, moody bitch? No, don't answer that question.

I've painted my nails red today. It's been a long time since I've painted my nails anything. I'm planning something for Beb for Sunday. Red makes me feel sexy, seductive. Uh, correction: sexier and more seductive. Meowrrr...

Ouch!

I just had my tongue pierced. Don't ask me why because I wouldn't know. I chose my tongue to be impaled at ATC for two reasons:

1. It's relatively near to where I live.
2. A lot of sosyals and pa-sosyals have their tattoos and piercings done there so the place must be using sterile contraptions of pain and torture.

Otherwise, they can be sued by rich brats and they'd end up working in jail which is not a bad idea, actually. They'd probably earn a lot more there than in ATC.

I was with my friends Joel and Chey. I was supposed to back out but Chey told me that I was at the point of no return. As if! I guess it was partly that I wanted someone to blame when something goes wrong that I let her persuade me. That way, I can say "Si Chey kasi eh!"

It was not as painful as I expected. Be it known that I have a low tolerance level for pain. My two OB-Gynes have confirmed this when I was screaming my bloody lungs out at the shame of unwillingly exposing my genitals to total strangers in the delivery room.

I had my ear pierced (second piercing on my left ear) back in college. It was done in the classroom. It was not painful at all. I just heard a popping sound and it was done. But I suddenly felt nauseated and had to run to the comfort room to puke.

Five years later, when my tongue got pierced, I again said hello to hardly recognizable particles that consisted of my lunch. Yep, I threw up again. But wait! My story does not end there.

I was sooo nauseated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I usually have a strong stomach and can make pigil my suka but this time was different.

(pauses for effect)

I was holding my partially-digested lunch in my mouth! I looked like I had filled my mouth with air. The comfort rooms were so far from where we are that when I felt another mouthful coming up, I had to release what's in my mouth or have me puke on myself.

The nearest thing to a private space Chey and I can find was the lift for handicapped people. I know, kadiri talaga!

After throwing up there, we went to the comfort rooms where I threw up some more. It's a good thing I didn't see anyone I know while I was making like a blowfish.

I'm now able to eat very slow. Hmm, must be the reason I'm losing weight. Not bad.

Left behind

Seems like everyone is getting somewhere these days. Kitch is now a trainer, Hazel is getting married and Liv is a supervisor. Me? I'm stuck here. Actually, no. I'm not stuck, I'm floating.

I have always given my best. I try to be one of the best people at work. It just sucks big time when you don't get anywhere no matter how much you slave over and impress your boss. It sucks even more when someone does not give you something that you deserve just because of a gut feel.

I don't think I'm sour-graping. And I'm not envious that my friends are all happy with their careers. In fact, I'm proud of them because I know what they are capable of and I know that they deserve the good things that are happening to them.

I have a lot of regrets but I don't want to dwell on those. I'd rather make the best of whatever situation I find myself stuck into. I know I'm not doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I know I can be someone else. I know I can be great (not that I'm not already).

I'm really lost right now. Just like after high school graduation. I did not really know what course I wanted to take up. I just let myself be convinced by whoever and just took up whatever my friends took.

Now, I know that I was meant to be a doctor. Well, not really (because it's too expensive) but I know that I'm meant to be working in the field of medicine. Which, unfortunately, I cannot provide for because I have to earn money to give my son a good education.

Hazel's wedding is something special. I almost experienced what she will soon be feeling. My wedding has been postponed twice and I believe that if it gets postponed again, it's just not meant to be.

The first time it got postponed, I cried because I cannot have the ceremony at Calaruega which just happened to be exactly where I wanted my wedding to be.

The second time, the dates that I wanted were not available. This is at the San Agustin Church in Intramuros. We had to move it there because Beb's family was inviting a lot of people over and there was not much space in the Calaruega chapel to accommodate everyone. We were supposed to put a downpayment there but we weren't able to get a refund from Calaruega so we still haven't paid the reservation fee at San Agustin.

I don't know. Everything seems to be going wrong. I better make something out of myself and turn my life around before it's too late. I want to be free from regrets and I want to be truly satisfied with my life before I reach a certain age.

Life is not fair but everyone gets what they deserve sooner or later.

Enlightened

After all the drama that has happened, I am sooo glad that things are getting better.

Last Sunday, Beb was supposed to go to our house at 6 a.m. I woke up at 4 a.m. because I have this queasy feeling in my stomach again. Something that tells me that there's no way I could stop the impending doom.

A few days ago, I dreamt that Beb went to our house and told me that he had already made up his mind that everything was over between us and that it wasn't that important to him if our family was whole or not. So syempre, maluka-loka ang lola mo!

It was 9 and he still hasn't arrived so I decided it would be better if we went to church first then we could just talk later when we got home. I texted him and he told me that he was at church and that he would be going to our place after mass to talk with me.

I told him that we were already on our way to church. Was I surprised when he said he would follow us there so we could fix our problem right away! For more than a week, that was the first time that I truly believed that there was hope for us.

We talked.

About what went wrong and about what we wanted. We both wanted to keep our relationship going. We both wanted to keep the family whole. But we also agreed that we needed to become more mature and to become more emotionally and financially stable.

We decided that the only thing that would change is that we're not going to be living together. Not really great news for me but it's better than nothing.

He has told me that we were going to get married after his board exam before he goes to work in the States. It's only gonna be a civil wedding though because we don't have the money yet.

Well, we had it before because his parents were gonna shoulder the cost but with what happened, we're left to fend on our own. After a couple of years, that's when we're gonna have a church wedding.

I know, I know. Lagi na lang postponed. But the first was because I was waiting for my petition to come through. The second was because he started studying. They say three's a charm so hopefully, this time, it'll happen.

Bad Friday, part three

No calls, no messages, no contact. I gave him my word that he will not hear anything from me until Sunday and it's killing me. I love him so much! I told him that I would do anything to save our family and if that means that I have to make him choose, I'll do it.

I told him that whatever his decision is, he has to stand by it. He cannot change his mind. It's time that he became a man and stood up to his responsibilities. Responsibilities which he was made aware of before we even became boyfriend-girlfriend. I just hope our family means more to him than Mahadera.

I'm fond of creating what ifs and one what if that I gave him was that if there comes a time when he found himself in a situation where he had to choose between us (me and the kids) and his family, who would he choose? He told me that since he's still dependent on his family, he would choose them. But if he can stand on his own at that time, he would choose us.

During our conversation last Sunday, I told him that the "what if" situation is now an "is". I told him that he can stand up on his own now since he has already graduated from college and he can look for a job and we can help each other in raising our kids. But I knew that he wants to finish his second course (LPN) and it's Mahadera who's paying for his schooling. I know we'd probably have a better future if he finishes that course but I know that my family is on the line here and like I said, I would do anything to keep it whole.

If he chooses his family, he might as well forget us. It will be hard, I know. I even doubt if I have the strength to stand by my word but I'll try. If he chooses us, we're (he kids and I) going to live in Cavite and we can start from scratch.

I just can't let this happen again. Not when my son already loves him. Not when my daughter already recognizes him. Not when my heart and soul is already his.

Bad Friday, part two

Mahadera got involved in the situation and that's what made things worse. When it was just me and Beb who are involved, we could easily resolve things. But now, it's different.

After I had unleashed my anger, okay na ko but I knew I had to apologize for the way I reacted. I had to patch things up with Beb first. I looked for him and found him in the garage. I was talking to him when Mahadera came and told him to go somewhere else because she didn't want us fighting because it was Good Friday.

Beb went to the kitchen. I followed him there. I was talking (not fighting) with him, telling him that I would be going to my mom's and let things cool down a bit.

Mahadera went in the kitchen, told us to stop yelling and went on and on about us being disrespectful of Good Friday. I asked Beb if we could talk alone and we went to our room. I was asking him if we could talk about things later, if we could meet so we could fix this. He said yes. Mahadera was obviously listening because she said, "Ang haba pa ng drama! Kung aalis kasi, umalis na!"

I went home with a heavy heart. I slept for 2 hours. First thing I did when I woke up was to text Beb and ask where and what time we would meet. He said they were on their way to Baguio and that I could get my stuff from their house.

I called him and he said that he was so sick and tired of us always fighting. He said he was fed up with us going around in circles, committing the same mistakes over and over. His words hit me like, BAM!

Then I felt something familiar. A feeling that I had before during the first time I encountered something like this. I felt cold. My heart was cold. I felt queasy. I felt sick. My soul was cold. I felt angry and abandoned and helpless.

And that's what's killing me...that I cannot do anything about it. I hate not being able to do something about a situation. I don't have to have control over it, I just want to be able to do something and not sit there waiting for whatever's gonna happen.

For three days, I was calling him, only to speak with someone who has already made up his mind that things were over between us and that there was no sense in giving things a second chance. I really couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.

Easter Sunday came and he went to our house in Cavite and we had a talk. I apologized and I explained my side of things. He told me that he still loves me and that we were still a we. He said he just needs time to think.

I asked him if our family is important to him. I wanted to know if he wanted us to stay together or if he's okay with a broken family. He could not answer my questions. All he said was that he needed to think. I gave him time. He has until Sunday.

*end of part two

Bad Friday

My first real blog entry and it's not about sugar and spice and everything nice.

Things are not going well at all. Last Friday (how ironic, the day being called Good Friday), I left the office feeling rejuvenated because it was my off. It took me 15 minutes to get to Buendia-LRT from Ayala at 5 in the morning.

Then I had to wait by the Sinangag Food House for roughly 20 minutes before an ordinary fare mini-bus came. The travel time from Buendia to BF took less than 30 minutes so I was outside our house (my fiance's house) at 6 a.m.

I had no key and the store was closed because it was a holiday (no one was fixing the store display) so I had no way of getting inside. I also had only P5 worth of prepaid credit (not enought to make a call). So I texted my fiance telling him to open the gate for me.

I waited.

And waited.

I then resorted to calling his name and using a rock to pound on the metal gate to wake him up. I saw the village guard walking up to me so I pretended that I was calling someone from the house to let me in.

Manong Guard probably thought I was insane or was probably gonna drag me off to the administrative office for making a racket. I texted Beb again to let me in. He had told me that he will be sleeping in the TV room (which was near the garden which was near the fence which was near the street) so I started throwing pebbles at the windows to wake him up.

I must say that I was so NOT happy at that time. Happy was not even a part of my vocabulary. Our neighbors (who lived two houses away) got out of their house and were pointedly looking at me. I was thinking, "Pakshet, yung mga taong ang layo sa 'kin nagising sa pambubulahaw ko pero itong nasa tapat ko, tulog pa din!"

I saw a table outside the store and my only chance of ever getting in was to climb up the wall. It was sooo hard! I had to remove my shoes and get all dirty and sweaty.

After looking stupid and almost breaking my neck in the process, I was finally able to get in. The whole ordeal lasted for about 40 minutes so I'm sure you would understand that I am fuming mad at this time. I knocked real hard on the stupid door and Beb opened the door, turned his back and lay down on the sofa. No sorry, no nothing!

Nakaka bad trip sobra di ba?! Away na 'to! So nagdabog ako at binalibag ang bag ko sa kama at tinapon ang sapatos ko sa sahig na tumama sa pader na gumawa ng malakas na ingay na ikinagising ni Mahadera.

*end of part one