Left behind

Seems like everyone is getting somewhere these days. Kitch is now a trainer, Hazel is getting married and Liv is a supervisor. Me? I'm stuck here. Actually, no. I'm not stuck, I'm floating.

I have always given my best. I try to be one of the best people at work. It just sucks big time when you don't get anywhere no matter how much you slave over and impress your boss. It sucks even more when someone does not give you something that you deserve just because of a gut feel.

I don't think I'm sour-graping. And I'm not envious that my friends are all happy with their careers. In fact, I'm proud of them because I know what they are capable of and I know that they deserve the good things that are happening to them.

I have a lot of regrets but I don't want to dwell on those. I'd rather make the best of whatever situation I find myself stuck into. I know I'm not doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I know I can be someone else. I know I can be great (not that I'm not already).

I'm really lost right now. Just like after high school graduation. I did not really know what course I wanted to take up. I just let myself be convinced by whoever and just took up whatever my friends took.

Now, I know that I was meant to be a doctor. Well, not really (because it's too expensive) but I know that I'm meant to be working in the field of medicine. Which, unfortunately, I cannot provide for because I have to earn money to give my son a good education.

Hazel's wedding is something special. I almost experienced what she will soon be feeling. My wedding has been postponed twice and I believe that if it gets postponed again, it's just not meant to be.

The first time it got postponed, I cried because I cannot have the ceremony at Calaruega which just happened to be exactly where I wanted my wedding to be.

The second time, the dates that I wanted were not available. This is at the San Agustin Church in Intramuros. We had to move it there because Beb's family was inviting a lot of people over and there was not much space in the Calaruega chapel to accommodate everyone. We were supposed to put a downpayment there but we weren't able to get a refund from Calaruega so we still haven't paid the reservation fee at San Agustin.

I don't know. Everything seems to be going wrong. I better make something out of myself and turn my life around before it's too late. I want to be free from regrets and I want to be truly satisfied with my life before I reach a certain age.

Life is not fair but everyone gets what they deserve sooner or later.

Enlightened

After all the drama that has happened, I am sooo glad that things are getting better.

Last Sunday, Beb was supposed to go to our house at 6 a.m. I woke up at 4 a.m. because I have this queasy feeling in my stomach again. Something that tells me that there's no way I could stop the impending doom.

A few days ago, I dreamt that Beb went to our house and told me that he had already made up his mind that everything was over between us and that it wasn't that important to him if our family was whole or not. So syempre, maluka-loka ang lola mo!

It was 9 and he still hasn't arrived so I decided it would be better if we went to church first then we could just talk later when we got home. I texted him and he told me that he was at church and that he would be going to our place after mass to talk with me.

I told him that we were already on our way to church. Was I surprised when he said he would follow us there so we could fix our problem right away! For more than a week, that was the first time that I truly believed that there was hope for us.

We talked.

About what went wrong and about what we wanted. We both wanted to keep our relationship going. We both wanted to keep the family whole. But we also agreed that we needed to become more mature and to become more emotionally and financially stable.

We decided that the only thing that would change is that we're not going to be living together. Not really great news for me but it's better than nothing.

He has told me that we were going to get married after his board exam before he goes to work in the States. It's only gonna be a civil wedding though because we don't have the money yet.

Well, we had it before because his parents were gonna shoulder the cost but with what happened, we're left to fend on our own. After a couple of years, that's when we're gonna have a church wedding.

I know, I know. Lagi na lang postponed. But the first was because I was waiting for my petition to come through. The second was because he started studying. They say three's a charm so hopefully, this time, it'll happen.

Bad Friday, part three

No calls, no messages, no contact. I gave him my word that he will not hear anything from me until Sunday and it's killing me. I love him so much! I told him that I would do anything to save our family and if that means that I have to make him choose, I'll do it.

I told him that whatever his decision is, he has to stand by it. He cannot change his mind. It's time that he became a man and stood up to his responsibilities. Responsibilities which he was made aware of before we even became boyfriend-girlfriend. I just hope our family means more to him than Mahadera.

I'm fond of creating what ifs and one what if that I gave him was that if there comes a time when he found himself in a situation where he had to choose between us (me and the kids) and his family, who would he choose? He told me that since he's still dependent on his family, he would choose them. But if he can stand on his own at that time, he would choose us.

During our conversation last Sunday, I told him that the "what if" situation is now an "is". I told him that he can stand up on his own now since he has already graduated from college and he can look for a job and we can help each other in raising our kids. But I knew that he wants to finish his second course (LPN) and it's Mahadera who's paying for his schooling. I know we'd probably have a better future if he finishes that course but I know that my family is on the line here and like I said, I would do anything to keep it whole.

If he chooses his family, he might as well forget us. It will be hard, I know. I even doubt if I have the strength to stand by my word but I'll try. If he chooses us, we're (he kids and I) going to live in Cavite and we can start from scratch.

I just can't let this happen again. Not when my son already loves him. Not when my daughter already recognizes him. Not when my heart and soul is already his.

Bad Friday, part two

Mahadera got involved in the situation and that's what made things worse. When it was just me and Beb who are involved, we could easily resolve things. But now, it's different.

After I had unleashed my anger, okay na ko but I knew I had to apologize for the way I reacted. I had to patch things up with Beb first. I looked for him and found him in the garage. I was talking to him when Mahadera came and told him to go somewhere else because she didn't want us fighting because it was Good Friday.

Beb went to the kitchen. I followed him there. I was talking (not fighting) with him, telling him that I would be going to my mom's and let things cool down a bit.

Mahadera went in the kitchen, told us to stop yelling and went on and on about us being disrespectful of Good Friday. I asked Beb if we could talk alone and we went to our room. I was asking him if we could talk about things later, if we could meet so we could fix this. He said yes. Mahadera was obviously listening because she said, "Ang haba pa ng drama! Kung aalis kasi, umalis na!"

I went home with a heavy heart. I slept for 2 hours. First thing I did when I woke up was to text Beb and ask where and what time we would meet. He said they were on their way to Baguio and that I could get my stuff from their house.

I called him and he said that he was so sick and tired of us always fighting. He said he was fed up with us going around in circles, committing the same mistakes over and over. His words hit me like, BAM!

Then I felt something familiar. A feeling that I had before during the first time I encountered something like this. I felt cold. My heart was cold. I felt queasy. I felt sick. My soul was cold. I felt angry and abandoned and helpless.

And that's what's killing me...that I cannot do anything about it. I hate not being able to do something about a situation. I don't have to have control over it, I just want to be able to do something and not sit there waiting for whatever's gonna happen.

For three days, I was calling him, only to speak with someone who has already made up his mind that things were over between us and that there was no sense in giving things a second chance. I really couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.

Easter Sunday came and he went to our house in Cavite and we had a talk. I apologized and I explained my side of things. He told me that he still loves me and that we were still a we. He said he just needs time to think.

I asked him if our family is important to him. I wanted to know if he wanted us to stay together or if he's okay with a broken family. He could not answer my questions. All he said was that he needed to think. I gave him time. He has until Sunday.

*end of part two

Bad Friday

My first real blog entry and it's not about sugar and spice and everything nice.

Things are not going well at all. Last Friday (how ironic, the day being called Good Friday), I left the office feeling rejuvenated because it was my off. It took me 15 minutes to get to Buendia-LRT from Ayala at 5 in the morning.

Then I had to wait by the Sinangag Food House for roughly 20 minutes before an ordinary fare mini-bus came. The travel time from Buendia to BF took less than 30 minutes so I was outside our house (my fiance's house) at 6 a.m.

I had no key and the store was closed because it was a holiday (no one was fixing the store display) so I had no way of getting inside. I also had only P5 worth of prepaid credit (not enought to make a call). So I texted my fiance telling him to open the gate for me.

I waited.

And waited.

I then resorted to calling his name and using a rock to pound on the metal gate to wake him up. I saw the village guard walking up to me so I pretended that I was calling someone from the house to let me in.

Manong Guard probably thought I was insane or was probably gonna drag me off to the administrative office for making a racket. I texted Beb again to let me in. He had told me that he will be sleeping in the TV room (which was near the garden which was near the fence which was near the street) so I started throwing pebbles at the windows to wake him up.

I must say that I was so NOT happy at that time. Happy was not even a part of my vocabulary. Our neighbors (who lived two houses away) got out of their house and were pointedly looking at me. I was thinking, "Pakshet, yung mga taong ang layo sa 'kin nagising sa pambubulahaw ko pero itong nasa tapat ko, tulog pa din!"

I saw a table outside the store and my only chance of ever getting in was to climb up the wall. It was sooo hard! I had to remove my shoes and get all dirty and sweaty.

After looking stupid and almost breaking my neck in the process, I was finally able to get in. The whole ordeal lasted for about 40 minutes so I'm sure you would understand that I am fuming mad at this time. I knocked real hard on the stupid door and Beb opened the door, turned his back and lay down on the sofa. No sorry, no nothing!

Nakaka bad trip sobra di ba?! Away na 'to! So nagdabog ako at binalibag ang bag ko sa kama at tinapon ang sapatos ko sa sahig na tumama sa pader na gumawa ng malakas na ingay na ikinagising ni Mahadera.

*end of part one

Who's the biatch now?

Teehee. DJ Qualls is sooo freaking funny!

I watched The New Guy on DVD and I couldn't stop laughing! I can't explain pero it's sooo dang funny!

I can even lend you my pirated DVD copy.

Hu-whaaat?

I totally forgot how to do HTML. But hey, that's what the view source button is for. Just need to go over to Kitch's page and I'm set.

Well, well, well...

Okay, okay! I did say that I'll be updating this new blog regularly. Guess what? I totally forgot about it.

So here I am trying to cram everything that's happened for the past four months into one entry. Which would be totally impossible since I'm sneaking this in during my 15-minute break. That's it. Not much to tell.

I'm not really in the mood to write about the latest dramas in my life right now. Next time I'll skip lunch and devote one hour for blogging...maybe.

Starting anew

I had two blogs which I had to delete permanently due to lack of time and, well, just because I didn't like the way they looked anymore and because I wanted to start on a new blog.

I promise na talaga to update my new blog regularly.