I solemnly swear that I am up to no good

For the past seven months I have somehow managed to:

turn a year older (a year wiser is debatable)
drive 11 hours to Chesapeake, VA (we got lost)
sign my son up for taekwondo
sign up for gym membership (and stick to it)
open a savings account for my son
deplete my savings
not see Fantastic Four, Transformers and Harry Potter on the big screen (I'll be damned if I don't see the Simpsons movie)
reconnect with old friends and make new ones
get drunk once
start taking baby steps to getting an MA
be in a love-hate relationship with my brother
not cry each and every single time I speak to Beb
miss out on a lot of my daughter's firsts
still be at my job
not speak Tagalog na may slang
lose my tongue ring for the nth time (don't ask me how)
not see how my kids are growing up so fast (too fast)
not go home to be with Beb

Pretty tame stuff.

Boring.

I need to do something else. That's seven months that just went by like *snaps* that. Totally unacceptable.

I read this article in a magazine about doing what you love to do. And about how you're the only one stopping yourself from doing just that. The article said that a lot of people get stuck doing something they don't love because they set boundaries for themselves. They often use time, money or both as an excuse to stop them from taking that first step. Why do something where success is not guaranteed? Why not just stick to what you have? Is it worth it?

I think the main reason why I'm not pushing myself into action is fear. I'm scared. Scared that I might fail. Scared that I will be thought of as selfish for putting myself ahead of everyone else.

It's so easy to say, "Go for it!" But it's just so hard to put yourself out there, be vulnerable and exposed, and just do it.

So tell me, when is it okay to stop putting my dreams on hold? After my kids are done with school? I don't think God gave me children just so I would learn not to be self-centered. I think He gave them to me so I would strive to be a better person for them. Am I just justifying myself in thinking that pursuing my dream will also benefit them?

I keep going back and forth. Each time bringing up reasons not to, then contradicting myself minutes later with reasons to.

What do I want to do? I want to write, to travel, to work in media. I want to get my Master's. There are so many things I want to be and here I am, 27, still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I know I can be more. I want to be more.

I wish I could be like him. He did it. He took the plunge and he's now going to do what he loves. People like him are lucky. Or just plain determined to make something more of themselves.

Sana ako rin.

In other news

Happy 15th birthday PJ! Birthday punches!