Karen 1982

I was watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond last night.

In that episode, Deb discovered a taped break-up message that Ray has kept for 20 years. The message came from Karen, his ex-girlfriend.

Now, most of us usually keep something positive about our past relationships. Like love letters, stuffed animals, ticket stubs, receipts and what others would generally classify as junk. We keep them in a shoebox to preserve the happy feeling that we had during that particular chapter in our lives.

We don't keep things that would remind us of the bad stuff. Like hate letters, "your" songs, terms of endearment, Friendster accounts of people you have branded as fiends and what others would generally classify as bitterness triggers.

Naturally, Deb wanted to know why Ray kept something negative from his past. After much discussion, irrationality and insecurity on the part of Raymond, and much laughter from me, he finally told her why he held on to Karen 1982.

It was because he wanted to know why Karen broke up with him. He said he kept playing the tape over and over to see if he can find anything in the message that would tell him why.

Closure.

So I woke up this morning and did my usual round of blog-hopping, email checking and Friendster surfing. And somehow I ended up writing this entry.

I admit it.

I have been looking at his account.

And his girlfriend's account.

No, I'm not a stalker!

I guess I'm a bit like Raymond. Though I have a pretty good idea of why things turned out the way they did, I think what I really need is closure.

I used to cry a lot and get hurt every time I see him (regardless if he was with a different girl every time or not). But I don't anymore. I was over him a long time ago, when I fell in love with Girrard.

I have never been able to become friends with my exes. Probably because I don't want them to be a part of my life anymore. It's either I got hurt and would rather die than be friends with them or I realized I was a moron who didn't know better so what the fuck was I thinking being their girlfriend?!

I saw an ex once and he called my name but I couldn't bring myself to associate myself with that person because, God, hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ko siya naging boyfriend!

Yeah I'm a bitch so what?

But with him, it's a different thing. First love ek-ek. I don't love him anymore but he was a part of my life and no matter how much pain he caused me, I can't just convince myself that he doesn't exist.

Sana, I can find out if he has forgiven me.

I can send him a message but I don't think I can do it. Oo na, pride na naman. But it's really more of the fear of finding out that he hasn't forgiven me that's holding me back.

Siguro someday makakaya ko nang malaman.