The drama never stops

I was trying to sleep but I can't. I was just there in my dark room, trying to understand what was going on. Then I felt the tears fall down. And I can't stop.

I felt the same thing I felt a couple of years back when I found out Jeff cheated on me, when he broke up with me, and when it all finally sank in.

I felt sick. My stomach felt queasy, like I was about to throw up. My hands were clammy, like before I step out on stage to perform. Like there were cold fingers gripping my heart.

I was helpless.

I was hopeless.

Those of you who have experienced heartbreak know what I'm talking about. The really bad kind where you really can't sleep or eat and you spend your time staring into space or listening to sad songs and crying. The kind where you just can't help but cry even at the mere mention of his name.

That was how I felt a couple of years back. And it's also what I'm feeling now.

I just can't understand why things are going the way they are. A lot of stuff is going through my head right now and I don't expect that this post would be a coherent one so if you get lost reading this, then you'd better stop. Because I'm as confused as you are.

I thought that the only thing keeping us from getting married was my immigrant petition. I thought it was the reason why the wedding plans at Calaruega and the wedding plans at San Agustin were called off. Yes, we were supposed to get married twice already, according to my book.

So I thought, "Okay, once I get my green card, we can get married." It's been two months since I received my green card and we're still not married. So that's two cancelled weddings, two years of waiting for the petition and two months of having my green card. Did I mention two kids too? Though technically, only one is yours.

You say you love me. No, you insist that you love me sooo much. So what's the problem? Are you scared of commitment? Did you wake up one day and suddenly realize that you're not sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with me? That you want to try and see if someone better comes along before you get stuck with a bitch like me? Someone who can make you happier than I can and who doesn't fight over petty things like a digicam? Someone who doesn't drive you crazy? I-wanna-tear-my-hair-out-and-scream-my-bloody-lungs-out crazy? Tell me!

It doesn't help that you're a perpetual liar. And that I have a hard time forgiving anyone who breaks my trust. So how the hell do you expect me to believe you? God, I want to believe you! But I can't. Not after you told me that you wanted to get married when you have a stable job here so that you can take care of me and our kids.

We can get married then you can go here, find a job and raise our kids. Other couples are dying to get married, especially when the other is going somewhere far away, so that their bond becomes stronger. What is the matter with you?!

If you are not planning to get married at all, just tell me. I've always told you to tell me the truth no matter what (which turns out to be a big problem since you always lie). And you tell me that you sometimes feed me these white lies because you know that I would be mad, that I would react in a negative way.

It's just so hopeless! I feel so empty. I'm not one to force someone to do what he really doesn't want to do. I mean, if you really don't want to get married or if you're having second thoughts about us then don't. But I need you to tell me.

So I won't expect.

So I won't cry.

So I won't get hurt.

But who am I kidding? It already hurts. A lot. I thought I was past all these. I thought if I was able to go on after Jeff then I can handle anything else that comes. I guess not.

My friends tell me I'm strong, that I'm a warrior, that I'm the big sister. But sometimes, big warrior sisters become weak, lose hope, cry and get hurt. They sometimes want to give up the fight. Why fight for something when there's nothing to fight for? Why fight for someone who doesn't want you to fight for him? Why fight for something you want when he doesn't want it?

So yes, I'm giving up.

I surrender.

I'm tired.

I offer everything to you God. Please make everything turn out okay. Please.